THE SCHOLAR

From a man named Jon. Although, it could have been from John, Jonn, Jan, Greg, Jobin, Patrick, or Eric. I'm not sure he even knows how to spell his own name.



~~~~~~Hi, this is my 1st time ever doing a on line dateing thing. It was a gift from my sisteres for my brithday. I thik that they were worried about me. I was pritty much married 4 the past 6yrs with my X. My sisteres thik that i can just snap my fringers and i'll find a woman. Im very out going and well... humors to hang around with. I just realy dont like going out like i use to when i was yunger. My X and i have know eachother sence we were kids. Never had any kin of feelings like boyfre..and grilfre.. ever. She was married for 15 yrs and had 2 kids and thoght that they had the bist marrage. Till she found out that he was chetting on her. I felt so bad for her and well one thing led to a nuther, well you know what i men. The past girlfreinds that i had i met in the usual way. Like going out for a freind of a freind type of thing. Like i said i am very out going, LOL so never realy had any hang ups with finding some one. I just would like to find some one whos realy ready to start something. Oh god, im going stop right there. Anywiys how bout you. What got you in to this on line thing. You seen like you wouldnt have any trouble finding a man...Your real good looking and i licked what you had to say on your profile. So.... spill the beans, sweetie talk to me. Im also a good lisener. :o)~~~~~~~



His sisters should have paid for a translator as well. Or, at least, offered to proof-read his emails.

At least he knows how to snap his 'fringers' and he also 'licked' what I had to say in my profile. Maybe I should go to coffee with him. One thing might lead to a 'nuther'...You know what I 'men?' I love a man who is a good 'lisener' and knows how to 'thik.'

JACK OF ALL TRADES

"Let this ex-pro dancer (now lawman) be the feather on your sole.....(define reflexology anyone?). SWM devastatingly handsome with a well contoured body sculpted by Michaelangelo longs to meet a funloving, playful and adventurous wild child. Waiting 4 U 2 send me e mail add. Age/weight/religion/race are not important, what is you ask? Spirit! You must have that desire for pleasure and allow yourself to have some one pamper you from tip to toes! Hot tubs to foot rubs, quiet nites to tickle fights. I would like to meet a very fun-loving/playful/slightly crazy woman. I'm also a certified reflexologist(know what that is?) .I'm also a very attentive and attractive male with a very sharp sense of humor, never married/no kids and will be waiting on you hand and foot to be sure that you are happy and content. Like I said...You must have that desire for pleasure and allow yourself to have some one pamper you from tip to toes! Hot tubs to foot rubs, quiet nites to tickle fights. So if you'd like me to "dance" for you or you want your feet massaged or delicately tickled...then write soon."

Wow. Stripper? Police Officer? Doctor of Reflexology? Statue? Take your pick!

WTF. I specify in my profile that I don't want to be contacted by anyone who has fetishes (GROSS!) Do they care? Apparently not. The only way this guy can 'dance' for me is if he's buried, waist-high, on a red ant hill, with Twix bars and jellybeans stapled to his back.

HI. YOU LIKE???

I have a new one for you today. A guy sent me some kind of 'I'm Interested' note so I clicked on his profile (unfortunately) to see who had sent it.

I wish the site didn't show if I've looked at a person's profile because some of those psychos think it means you're interested. Blah.

Notice his rather unique profile heading...(I'm sure seven million other people haven't used that same thing)

-------------'let the good times roll' howdy. figured id give this a try. my name is barry. im outgoing and fun. looking for same. not to sure how serious i want to get. i look forward to meeting all of you. hope to hear from you. work full time. work hard. play harder. i have pictures upon request. i have many tattoos. very into extreme sports. watch all sports. i enjoy travelling and staying out of the house as often as possible.------------

So, after he sees I've clicked his profile, he sends me this:

'HI. YOU LIKE???'

Well, I'm not sure what the biggest turn-on was for me... His extreme collection of tattoos? His issue with commitment? His obvious addiction to using periods in clipped sentences? The chance that his house might be haunted?

Also, he's very optimistic, in that he can't wait to meet ALL of us. Which is terrific because I'm a big fan of sharing. But ALL of us? Every female member on this website? Talk about shooting for the stars, Barry. I love an ambitious nature.

So, if I may answer your question...DO I like?

Oh, yes Barry. I LIKE. A LOT.

Wait. Hold up. What's the date today? :P

YOU SUCK!

So, this was a 'sweet' and very touching message from one of the very first crazy people I met, now that I have entered back into the world of singles.

I joined a dating site---Yes, I said it. And now I am going to make you suffer, right along with me, until I find someone nice to date :-) :-) :-)

I did it mostly to try to find myself again, after such a cruddy marriage. I have no idea what I want anymore, out of a partner/companion.

So, I took the time to write, what I believe, was a very nice profile, describing who I am and what I am looking for.

Since then, I have run across some of the nuttiest human beings that may possibly exist. It's making me wonder if this little dating experiment is worth it.

I have to wonder if I'd be better off buying a goldfish and calling it a day.


Here is the 'YOU SUCK!' story:

First email this guy sends me:
date Sun, Jan 2, 2011 at 1:56 PM

howdy
i actually just moved back to the boston area and wanted to say hi to you. and well i cant believe ive payed some innermernet site to try to talk to a girl but hells bells. and this feels so sketchy. i feel like chris hanson from datelines to catch a predator is about to walk into the room. but i love that show. ssssooooooo anyways, maybe we can talk, get to know each other, maybe get a coffee someday? and i figured since my profile is kinda short ill tell you a little more about myself in the hopes of hearing from you. anyways, bout me? hard to say. quick jist: i worked for the state from 96-07 primarily on the boston harbor islands specifically georges island as a laborer, ranger, forester, and forest and park supervisor. winters out there were like the shining with jack nicholson . i grad uated with a degree in ecology from a tiny school on an island in maine. currently im a tree climber which basically means i climb trees and prune and remove them. currently im working through the current company i work for for the usda climbing trees and looking for a beetle from asia. weird story. i also teach high school earth science. so yeah, hope we can catch each other on im or something; perhaps get a coffee sometime

Second email:
date Sun, Jan 2, 2011 at 2:42 PM

well i hope youre a fan of the piccies i just postered. anyways, ur not saying anything so youre acount mustve expired.


Third email:
date Sun, Jan 2, 2011 at 2:53 PM

oh well. take care.


Fourth email:
date Sun, Jan 2, 2011 at 2:57 PM

guess youre not real.


Fifth email:
date Sun, Jan 2, 2011 at 3:09 PM

YOU SUCK!
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------


Now, I'm not quite sure if you caught that these emails all took place within the span of about ONE HOUR.

I went to check my mail and they were all there, lined up, nice and neat.... All at once. All for me. Talk about a fruit, right? By the way--One of the photos he'd posted was of him holding a GUN, in a sweat covered, wife beater...(god, I hope it was just sweat) Who posts pictures like that???

And then he mentions Chris Hansen and 'The Shining' all in a few sentences? Really? I mean, I'm sure most other women would have found those to be relaxing and stimulating topics-NOT.

Ick---I'm going to stop for now. There are so many others to post and so little time.